The End of the Beginning, the Beginning of the End

I recently moved into the suburbs. I was filled with lots of anxiety as we drew closer to the the move date: I had been living in New York for almost 20 years from college through work..  I had a good, convenient situation in my apartment in Brooklyn.  Things were going pretty well.

On the other hand, the apartment was small, the schools are questionable in the city and the end state was always to be some type of house.  My wife and I always wanted to space that comes with a house.  So we made the decision, and bought a house.  It’s pretty much got everything you could ask for: a lot of space, great location for commuting and general walking in the town, small quiet block. Yet, I was filled anxiety and sadness as got closer to the move date.  And even after we moved in.  Did they we make the right decision? Did we move too soon?

The grass is always greener, big life changes are always hard and emotional.  But I wonder if there is something else going on.  It’s not just the change that causes anxiety, but what this move means from a life perspective:  it’s highlighting that perhaps the first part of my life, the individual part, the youthful part, is coming to a close as the second part, the family-raising and middle age towards old age part is now here.  I have passed a certain life milestone and there is perhaps a unconscious notion that I am closer to death than life.

This doesn’t have to be a negative thing.  One can few the overarching arc as having peaked and continuing on a descent. OR one can view the arc as having reached a bottom and starting now on the path up: there’s way more opportunity ahead of me than behind me.  Much more to accomplish; much more to experience with family.  The transition is always hard, but if you’re going to shift to a brighter future, than a transition must be made.   It always comes back to the Dostoevsky quote about a “kernal of wheat” dying to allow for growth and change.  But the death of anything is hard, which comes back to that Jack Bogle quote in my book “Press on Regardless.”  It’s an age-old truth that improvement only come from suffering and pain and fear, not through continuous stream of happy, un-stressful activities.