I tell myself that I want to avoid new year resolutions because they don’t work. But part of me also thinks I’m avoiding them because I don’t want to put in the discipline to make them work. Of course things like “lose weight” or “stop drinking” tend to fail when not executed in a systematic way, but there are more practical or workable resolutions that can 100% be executed if done in a thoughtful way. The hard part is deciding on what to do prioritize and make the effort. Decisions.
This past year I kind of made a resolution to do 1 post a month. I kind of kept it, at least started one post per month if not completed in the month, but in December, for some reason I didn’t even start. I kept putting it off. Barely even touched my writing, which was going in a pretty good direction throughout November. Not sure why. I did enjoy it, and it’s where I want to be long term.
So what’s going on? Some thoughts:
- Fear of Failure: I feel like this lurks forever in the subconscious. You can’t fall if you don’t try. I know consciously that trying and failing is valuable in itself; I know that if I want to have any sort of professional outcome for writing I need to start somewhere; yes consciously I know exactly what I need to do, how do it, and why to do it. Yet it doesn’t happen.
- Fear of Wasted Time: This is less about the failing directly, more about the fact that I know it will hours and days of time to write something that is just crappy. Let alone any good. And given the odds of anything material coming out of this, is it worth the time? This pairs with other career progress and the fact that I could be spending that time working on something else advancing those career interests which I know would have a more direct impact. Or at least a higher likelihood of impact.
- Laziness: The least subconscious of all. I simply don’t have the willpower or desire to do the work.
Perhaps there are other things as well. But what is interesting is that I’m fully capable of overcoming those 3 blockers when not in the pursuit of writing: I’m happy to test, fail and learn at work; I waste tons of time in pursuit of things that don’t advance any material objectives for me (and I’m not talking about TV or stuff like that, I mean actually idle time like on twitter or the internet), and I’ve done all sorts of things that require lots of initiative and the opposite of laziness. So what to conclude?
What”s interesting is that this kind of the opposite of situation as the tragedy we see in Moby Dick: Rather than continuing on a path one knows will lead to bad things; one is avoiding a path that will lead to good things. It’s not about persisting in self-destructive behavior, but avoiding self-improvement behavior. But is it as simple as why people avoid the gym or eat poorly when they know it’s bad? Is it just a matter of motivation? Perhaps. When people pursue self-destructive behavior it’s usually because that behavior is the “easier” path or, in the case of Moby Dick, a strong internal drive pushes them despite what the intellect might say. In the self-improvement view, it easier to avoid the fear or be lazy, and than do what the intellect says as well. So in both cases effort and the right incentives are required to make progress. It’s an interesting topic, worthy of further analysis, and perhaps a story.
Decisions. Regardless of all that, perhaps I have not made the formal decisions to spend my time in these pursuits. Similar to the concept of “affirmations” that Scott Adams talks about, making the decision more concrete, somehow, could lead to more actions.
What’s required is a plan. And a system. A New Year’s Resolution: not to write more, but to develop a system that works for me to write more. Even if I don’t finish my stories in 2020, let’s call it a success if I can develop a system that gets me writing or making progress writing on a regular basis.
Intergalactic Dance 